I remember my mother Margaret being quite pushy with Sophie. “It looks like your relationship is pretty serious now,” she said insistently, almost demandingly, looking hard at Sophie, who could well become her daughter-in-law. “When are you planning to get married then?”
Sophie gave a tight smile and answered, trying to pick her words carefully so as not to offend her future mother-in-law. “I think it’s still too soon. We’ve only been living together for a month. We ought to wait a while and get to know each other better in day-to-day life. You never know, we might end up arguing over nothing.”
Margaret raised an eyebrow a bit but didn’t let it go. She liked Sophie quite a lot more than my last girlfriend Laura, who had been impossible and arrogant. It was a good thing I had ended things with her.
“And how’s it going with Ben?” she asked, switching topics but keeping her eyes on Sophie. “He’s a grown lad now, but still…”
Sophie felt a bit warmer inside thinking about my son Ben. The memories of our first days together came back to her. She had been really worried then about how the teenager would take to having a new woman around the house. Would he see her as a threat or an attempt to take his mother’s place?
“He’s great,” Sophie replied honestly, and her smile grew warmer and more genuine. “Of course I was nervous at the start. I thought Ben might be unfriendly or wary towards me. But it all worked out perfectly! He turned out to be a really open and kind lad!”
She went quiet for a bit, thinking back to the time when Ben came home from school, tried her homemade pie with great enthusiasm and straight away said that from then on we’d always have good food in the house.
“What’s more,” Sophie went on with a slight smile, “he was really pleased that someone who was much better at cooking than his dad would be making the meals. He even asks me sometimes to show him how to make certain dishes.”
Up until then I had been listening without saying a word, but at that point I looked up and nodded briefly to back up what Sophie had said. A small smile appeared on my face because I was glad too that things had gone so well between my son and Sophie.
“Has he started asking for a little brother yet?” Margaret asked with a clear hint.
I couldn’t help wincing when I heard my mother’s question and I gave her a quick disapproving look. My eyes were saying “why are you going on about that again?” I knew my mother’s ways she never held back from bringing up the most sensitive subjects, as if she didn’t realise that these kinds of talks could make people uncomfortable.
“What’s wrong with that?” Margaret said without any embarrassment and carried on with her point. Her voice was bright and even a little teasing, like she was chatting about something everyday. “Ben loves kids and he’s always messing about with his nephews. And you’re only thirty-five you’ll have plenty of time to raise a couple of children!”
Sophie felt awkwardness welling up inside her. She didn’t like having to talk about such a private and difficult subject in front of a woman she hardly knew. She clenched her hands under the table to try and stay calm on the surface.
“I’m afraid that’s not going to happen,” she said in a measured way, keeping her voice steady. “The doctors have said I shouldn’t have children.”
The room went quiet for a moment. Margaret raised her eyebrows slightly as she thought about what she’d heard. Her face changed right away the friendly look she’d had before vanished and was replaced by a cold, almost distant expression.
“Women’s problems, then?” she said with fake sympathy, and there was a touch of superiority in her voice. “But you shouldn’t lose hope medicine is moving forward all the time. Things that used to seem impossible can be sorted out easily these days.”
Sophie sighed quietly. She wanted to drop the subject but knew she couldn’t just say nothing. She looked over at me hoping I’d back her up, but I only shrugged a little as if to say she should explain it herself.
“In my case it won’t work,” she said quietly, staring ahead. To be honest she didn’t see why she had to share her personal details with a woman who was more or less a stranger! But she couldn’t stay quiet either or Margaret might get the wrong idea… “I have serious problems with my eyesight. I got the diagnosis when I was eighteen I’ve had time to accept that I won’t be able to have children.”
Margaret stopped for a second, clearly trying to take in what she had heard. Her eyebrows went up and her face showed real confusion like she had come across something she just couldn’t understand.
“What does eyesight have to do with it?” she asked, tilting her head a little. She really couldn’t see the connection between eyesight and children and even thought it might just be a weak excuse. “I don’t understand.”
Sophie took a deep breath as she chose her words. She didn’t want to go into all the medical details but she couldn’t avoid giving an answer.
“There’s a ninety percent chance that I’ll lose my sight,” she explained in a calm and controlled voice. “That sort of strain on my body is completely off limits for me it’s too much of a risk! It’s not worth it, can’t you see! What would be the point of having a child I might never even see?”
She stopped to give Margaret time to think about it. Sophie nervously fixed her glasses. It was important to her that Margaret got it this wasn’t just some whim or a wish to keep her figure. It was a genuine danger!
Sophie could tell that disappointment was building up in the room. Margaret stopped trying to make conversation and only gave Sophie occasional short looks that showed clear annoyance. It was obvious that this wasn’t the sort of woman she had pictured as a good match for her son. In her mind the mother probably saw a healthy and strong woman who would soon give her grandchildren.
But Sophie didn’t feel guilty or the need to defend herself. We had talked the situation over a long time ago and weighed up all the pros and cons. Discussions with doctors, long evenings going through information, open talks with each other all of that had led us to the same conclusion. The risk to her health was too big and neither of us wanted to put her in harm’s way. If it came to it we could think about adoption or using a surrogate mother. These days it’s not that hard to arrange.
When we finally got up to leave the atmosphere had lightened a little. Margaret gave me a hug on the way out and nodded to Sophie but there was no warmth in it it was just for appearance’s sake. As we were putting our shoes on in the hall Sophie caught my eye and I could see the silent apology in my look.
Once we were out on the street we both let out a sigh of relief. The evening air felt especially fresh after the tense conversation. Sophie took hold of my hand and I squeezed her fingers back. We didn’t say anything about what had happened but we both knew that meeting my parents hadn’t gone well. Still that didn’t change the main thing our decision to stay together no matter what other people expected or the prejudices they might have…
Three months later.
Sophie started to notice that she wasn’t feeling like herself. At first she didn’t think much of it she figured she was just worn out from work or had picked up a mild bug. But when the unwell feeling carried on for several days she began to get concerned.
She had this constant mild weakness, felt sick in the mornings and smells that she usually didn’t mind started to bother her. Sophie tried to deal with it herself she got some antiviral stuff from the pharmacy, drank plenty of water and tried to get to bed earlier. But nothing got better. She found herself getting distracted more at work and by the evening she was exhausted even though she hadn’t done anything particularly tiring.
One evening while she was on the phone with her mum Sophie ended up sharing what was bothering her. Her voice was a bit quiet she still felt this odd tiredness she couldn’t shake off.
“Sophie,” her mum asked carefully after a short pause, “are you sure you’re not pregnant?”
Sophie was a bit surprised by the question. She went quiet for a second to think about it and then answered confidently:
“Completely sure! I haven’t missed any of the pills. The doctor prescribed them after a full check-up and I take them exactly as instructed.”
Her mum didn’t argue but there was determination in her voice:
“Buy a test anyway just for your own peace of mind. This is too important a matter to ignore.”
Sophie wanted to say that it definitely wasn’t pregnancy but something in her mum’s tone made her pause. In the end a test is quick and easy and a bit of extra certainty wouldn’t hurt.
“Alright Mum. I’ll go to the pharmacy now. Robert is at work so I’ve got time,” Sophie said and hung up.
She quickly got her things together, put on her jacket and left the flat. The pharmacy in the next building was close by no more than five minutes walk. Sophie walked a bit quicker than usual as if she was trying to get ahead of her own thoughts. The same questions kept going round in her head: “What if Mum is right? But how could that happen? Everything was under control…”
In the pharmacy she stopped for a moment in front of the shelf with pregnancy tests. There was a surprisingly big selection different brands and types. Sophie looked at the pharmacist in confusion then back at the shelves. In the end she picked two tests in the middle price range she decided there was no point skimping on something like that. She paid, put the purchases in her pocket and hurried back home.
When she got back she stopped for a minute in the hall to calm the slight nervousness. Her hands shook a little as she took the tests out of the packet. She followed the instructions and then waited.
The first few minutes seemed to last forever. Sophie kept glancing at the clock and then at the tests. Then two lines showed up clearly and brightly. She looked at the second test it had clear lines too.
“How can this be?!” she said without meaning to, feeling confusion rising inside her. “This is impossible! I was so careful!”
Just then the doorbell rang loudly. Sophie jumped at the sound. She checked the time it wasn’t the sort of hour when someone would come for a reason. Then she realised it was probably Ben. The lad often forgot his keys when he was rushing home after school.
Sophie quickly threw the tests in the bin, sorted her hair and went to the door. When she opened it she saw Ben on the step looking a bit out of breath with his backpack on.
“Forgot your keys again?” she smiled letting him inside.
“Yeah,” Ben nodded looking guilty as he took off his trainers. “I was in a rush getting ready and then realised once I was outside…”
Sophie went straight to the kitchen to feed the clearly hungry teenager. She didn’t know at the time that one of the tests hadn’t reached the bin and was lying on the floor instead…
“Robert, I’m going to stay with my mum for a week she’s not well,” Sophie said avoiding my eyes. She hated lying to the person she loved but right then she just couldn’t tell me the full truth. And she couldn’t do anything else! She couldn’t risk her health, the decision was already made…
I stopped what I was doing on the laptop and looked at her carefully. My look showed real concern.
“Do you need any help?” I asked straight away. “Shall I get some medicine? Or maybe come with you? Your mum is on her own after all…”
Sophie smiled in spite of herself warmly and a bit guiltily. My eagerness to help was touching but at that moment it only made things more complicated.
“Nothing’s needed for now, thanks for offering,” she answered as calmly as she could. “If anything comes up I’ll call.”
She turned away and carried on packing her things into a small bag in a hurry. A jumper, a pair of jeans, a few T-shirts, underwear, a toothbrush… The minutes were ticking in her head there was less than an hour before the last train to the next town and she still had to get to the station. Her mum had said she would meet her there and that helped a bit: there would be someone who would understand and not ask lots of questions.
“Keep in touch will you? If anything happens call straight away. I can come over any time.”
“Of course,” Sophie nodded pressing against me for a second. “I’ll be back soon. You won’t even have time to miss me.”
The trip to the station went by in a blur. She kept checking her phone to see if I had messaged or if her mum was calling. Her thoughts were all over the place but she kept the plan clear in her mind: get there, sort things out, come back. And only after that when everything had settled would she talk to me. Honestly and openly without any half truths.
The next day Sophie went to a private clinic. She had booked the appointment online beforehand, picked a doctor based on reviews and tried to set it all up so no one would have any extra questions. The appointment was quick and straightforward: examination, tests, an ultrasound. The doctor was a middle-aged woman with a calm voice who looked carefully at the results, checked the dates and asked about the medical history again.
“Yes, you are pregnant,” she said at last. “It’s early days, about five or six weeks.”
Sophie nodded without a word. Deep down there was still a small hope that it was a mistake, that the tests were wrong or the results had got mixed up. But now it was all clear.
“But I was taking the pills! How could this happen?” her voice shook with both confusion and barely held back emotion. How had this happened? She had followed the instructions exactly!
The doctor tilted her head slightly. She didn’t rush to reply first she neatly put the papers on the desk then looked up at Sophie.
“The medication might have been faulty,” she suggested in a professional tone. “Or there could have been factors that made it less effective like taking antibiotics or other drugs at the same time, missing doses or digestive issues. It does happen though it’s rare.”
She paused for a moment watching how Sophie reacted then went on gently:
“From what I understand you don’t plan to continue with the pregnancy?”
Sophie closed her eyes for a second. She had asked herself that question so many times over the last few days. The doctors’ warnings from years ago came back to her about the risk that was still there. She took a deep breath and answered trying to sound firm:
“The risk of losing my sight is nine to one. Do you think I can take that step?”
The doctor nodded with an understanding look. She had already looked at Sophie’s notes and knew the risk was real. In this situation Sophie’s choice was the right one.
“I understand,” she said softly. “This is a very serious decision and you have every right to make it based on your health. I’ll write out some referrals for tests now. They’ll help us get a better picture and work out the best way forward.”
She turned to the computer typed something in quickly then printed out a few forms. She folded them neatly and handed them to Sophie.
“Come back tomorrow for a follow-up. By then we’ll have the results and we can talk about what to do next. If you have any questions or anything worries you call the clinic and they’ll put you through to me.”
Sophie took the papers and smoothed them out with her fingers without thinking. Her thoughts were still racing but they were a bit more ordered now. She thanked the doctor with a quick nod and slowly got up from the chair. In the corridor she stopped for a second leaning against the wall and took a deep breath in and out. Tomorrow would be a new day and a new stage in this tough situation…
“Sophie!” I said happily down the phone and my voice was so lively that Sophie tensed up without meaning to. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sophie felt everything tighten inside her. She gripped the phone tightly trying to stop the sudden shaking.
“Tell you what?” she asked warily trying to keep her voice steady. The thought went through her head: “Has he found out? But how?”
“That you’re pregnant!” I said with real joy in my voice. There was so much enthusiasm it was like I was already picturing our future together.
Sophie closed her eyes for a second to get her thoughts together.
“What makes you say that?” she answered trying to stay calm even though her heart was racing.
“I found a test with two lines on the floor,” I explained and there was no doubt or worry in my tone just pure excitement. “I’ve already made you an appointment with a top specialist. Shall we go together? I want to be there to support you.”
Sophie took a deep breath choosing her words carefully. She needed to calm me down without hurting my feelings.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” she said gently but firmly. “It’s probably a mistake. You know I’m taking the pills. Everything was done exactly as instructed with no misses. This can’t be real.”
There was a pause on the line for a moment. Sophie could almost feel me trying to work out what she was saying.
“Well about that…” I hesitated at last and there were embarrassed notes in my voice. “You see my mum came round recently. She saw your pills and started telling me that your diagnosis isn’t as bad as all that. She said lots of people have kids even with much worse conditions and it all turns out fine. She gave examples of people she knew and talked about modern ways of handling pregnancy… She was so insistent that… well I went along with it.”
I went quiet as if waiting for a response. Sophie listened without saying anything feeling a mix of emotions. On one hand she knew I just wanted to believe things could work out. On the other it annoyed her that someone was getting involved in our private life and trying to decide things for her.
“Are you saying she convinced you to put something in my pills?” she asked in an even voice though she was boiling inside.
“No of course not!” I said quickly. “Nothing like that. It’s just… she convinced me not to stick so strictly to the instructions. That it would be okay to take a chance. I didn’t think it would lead to this. I’m sorry.”
Sophie felt a cold shiver go down her back. The words stuck in her throat and she managed to get out the question:
“What exactly did you do?”
I looked down nervously gripping the edge of the table. I felt awkward but I pulled myself together and spoke:
“I… accidentally dropped your bottle and the pills went everywhere. Then I thought maybe this is a sign? So I swapped them for vitamins. I wanted us to have a child. Mum convinced me it would all be fine…”
Sophie stood still trying to take in what she had heard. She couldn’t believe that the person she loved could do something like that. She had explained so many times how important it was to take the pills every day and what even one missed dose could mean…
“Are you serious?!” her voice shook. She clenched her fists without thinking feeling anger rising inside her. “You did this on purpose? You listened to your mum and swapped the pills?”
I shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other as if looking for a way out.
“I thought it would be better for our family…” I answered quietly not looking up.
“For our family?!” Sophie couldn’t hold back her feelings anymore. Her voice shook with anger but she tried to speak clearly so I would get how serious this was. “You didn’t even talk to me about it! You knew about my diagnosis and the risks and you still went ahead and did this behind my back!”
She paused trying to stop her hands from shaking. Her head was pounding and her thoughts were a mess but one thing was clear: she couldn’t carry on with this conversation right now.
“I just wanted children…” I tried to explain my voice sounding almost pitiful. “I thought we could deal with it all together.”
Sophie took a deep breath trying to get a grip on herself. She needed time to think things through and sort out her thoughts.
“I don’t have time to talk about this now,” she said more calmly though she was still full of emotion. “Can you come the day after tomorrow? We can meet at the park at noon?”
“Of course I’ll come!” I said at once and there was hope in my voice again. “I’m sure everything will be okay!”
Sophie didn’t argue or try to explain. She just needed to end the call.
“See you then,” she said shortly and hung up.
Sophie was furious! The words about how I had “accidentally” dropped the bottle and then deliberately swapped the important pills for vitamins kept going round in her head. I knew all about the risks and the years of warnings from the doctors about how critical it was not to miss the pills. But I had chosen to believe my mother who had no medical training but was sure that “everything would be fine.”
This thought burned inside her. How could someone take her health and her life so lightly? Sophie knew that with this kind of attitude to basic things like trust respect and care we had no future. And she was determined to tell me that the day after tomorrow.
On the day we had arranged I got to the park half an hour early. I had bought a bunch of white roses her favourites and now I was nervously shifting about at the entrance looking at the time every now and then. I had a bit of hope that maybe Sophie had just been worried and now we could talk it all through and I could explain that I had wanted the best. I pictured her taking the flowers and her look softening as we worked out together what to do next.
But when Sophie turned up right on time at noon she was arm in arm with her brother Mark and her face was cold and closed off. She didn’t even glance at the flowers I quickly held out to her. Instead she silently pulled a sheet of paper from her bag and gave it to me.
“What’s this? I don’t get it,” I said confused and shocked by her icy tone. I tried to meet her eyes but Sophie was looking away.
“This means there won’t be a child,” she said coldly. “You knew about my diagnosis. You knew and you put my health at risk on purpose by listening to your mother. I’ll never forgive this! I’ll come for my things tomorrow. And I won’t be on my own I’ll bring my brother to make sure there are no problems.”
Without waiting for an answer she turned and walked off. I stepped after her without thinking and called out:
“Sophie wait! Let’s talk!”
She didn’t look back she just walked faster. Then I ran after her but her brother Mark suddenly got in my way. Mark stood tall with his feet planted firmly and looked at me with no sympathy at all. His stance made it clear: “Don’t you dare go after her.”
I tried to get round him but Mark kept me at a distance with his hand held out a bit.
“You’re lying!” I shouted and my voice shook with anger and desperation. I could feel all my hopes falling apart and the future I thought I had slipping away. “I went to see doctors specially! They said with today’s medicine the risks are tiny! You just don’t want a child that’s why you’re coming up with excuses!”
Sophie turned round slowly. Her face was pale but she looked calm almost distant. There were no tears in her eyes just a firm resolve she had built up over those days.
“You went to doctors without me? Talked about my health with people I don’t know?” she said quietly but every word hit hard. “Do you even know my exact diagnosis? Or did you just go and say my fiancée might go blind?”
I flinched. I hadn’t expected that question I had been sure my actions made sense and that Sophie would understand why I did it. I clenched my fists and tried to get my thoughts straight.
“I was thinking about our future! About having a family!” my voice was tense but I meant it. “You said yourself you were ready to think about adoption or a surrogate. So why not give our own child a chance?”
Sophie breathed in deeply. There was a flash of pain in her eyes the same pain she was trying to hide behind her cold determination.
“Because this isn’t a game Robert!” her voice showed real feeling for the first time. “This is my life my body my sight. Do you understand that I could go blind? That I’d be helpless and not able to work or look after myself? Did you think about what it would be like to live in the dark all the time?”
She paused to let me take it in but I had already started to reply.
“But the doctors said…”
“Which doctors?!” she cut in sharply and there was bitterness in her voice. “The ones you went to without telling me? Did you even ask them about the complication rates? About actual cases? Do you know how many women lose their sight during pregnancy with my condition? No you just heard what you wanted to hear!”
I went quiet. My eyes were still full of hurt but something else was starting to show a vague sense that I might have made a big mistake.
“You betrayed my trust,” Sophie went on more quietly but just as firmly. “You knew how important those pills are to me. You knew I’d spent years learning to live with this diagnosis and accept it… And you wiped it all out with one action.”
At that point Mark moved closer. He was itching to give me a lesson but he held back because Sophie had asked him to.
“I don’t want anything more to do with you!” Sophie stood tall and her voice was cold and steady again. “I don’t want to worry every day that you’ll try another trick!”
I opened my mouth to say something but the words wouldn’t come out. I looked at her trying to find even a bit of doubt in her eyes or a chance to put things right! But there was only cold and contempt…
Sophie turned and walked away. I wanted to call after her but I couldn’t. I stood watching her figure fade into the evening shadows. Mark was walking beside her quiet and sure as if he was protecting her peace.
When they were out of sight I sat down on the nearest bench. I was still holding the bunch of white roses that had never been given or accepted…
I looked at the soft petals and realised for the first time that I had lost not just the child I had wanted so much. I had lost the woman I loved.
One thought kept going round in my head: “What if she is right?” But it was too late.I remember my mother Margaret being quite pushy with Sophie. “It looks like your relationship is pretty serious now,” she said insistently, almost demandingly, looking hard at Sophie, who could well become her daughter-in-law. “When are you planning to get married then?”
Sophie gave a tight smile and answered, trying to pick her words carefully so as not to offend her future mother-in-law. “I think it’s still too soon. We’ve only been living together for a month. We ought to wait a while and get to know each other better in day-to-day life. You never know, we might end up arguing over nothing.”
Margaret raised an eyebrow a bit but didn’t let it go. She liked Sophie quite a lot more than my last girlfriend Laura, who had been impossible and arrogant. It was a good thing I had ended things with her.
“And how’s it going with Ben?” she asked, switching topics but keeping her eyes on Sophie. “He’s a grown lad now, but still…”
Sophie felt a bit warmer inside thinking about my son Ben. The memories of our first days together came back to her. She had been really worried then about how the teenager would take to having a new woman around the house. Would he see her as a threat or an attempt to take his mother’s place?
“He’s great,” Sophie replied honestly, and her smile grew warmer and more genuine. “Of course I was nervous at the start. I thought Ben might be unfriendly or wary towards me. But it all worked out perfectly! He turned out to be a really open and kind lad!”
She went quiet for a bit, thinking back to the time when Ben came home from school, tried her homemade pie with great enthusiasm and straight away said that from then on we’d always have good food in the house.
“What’s more,” Sophie went on with a slight smile, “he was really pleased that someone who was much better at cooking than his dad would be making the meals. He even asks me sometimes to show him how to make certain dishes.”
Up until then I had been listening without saying a word, but at that point I looked up and nodded briefly to back up what Sophie had said. A small smile appeared on my face because I was glad too that things had gone so well between my son and Sophie.
“Has he started asking for a little brother yet?” Margaret asked with a clear hint.
I couldn’t help wincing when I heard my mother’s question and I gave her a quick disapproving look. My eyes were saying “why are you going on about that again?” I knew my mother’s ways she never held back from bringing up the most sensitive subjects, as if she didn’t realise that these kinds of talks could make people uncomfortable.
“What’s wrong with that?” Margaret said without any embarrassment and carried on with her point. Her voice was bright and even a little teasing, like she was chatting about something everyday. “Ben loves kids and he’s always messing about with his nephews. And you’re only thirty-five you’ll have plenty of time to raise a couple of children!”
Sophie felt awkwardness welling up inside her. She didn’t like having to talk about such a private and difficult subject in front of a woman she hardly knew. She clenched her hands under the table to try and stay calm on the surface.
“I’m afraid that’s not going to happen,” she said in a measured way, keeping her voice steady. “The doctors have said I shouldn’t have children.”
The room went quiet for a moment. Margaret raised her eyebrows slightly as she thought about what she’d heard. Her face changed right away the friendly look she’d had before vanished and was replaced by a cold, almost distant expression.
“Women’s problems, then?” she said with fake sympathy, and there was a touch of superiority in her voice. “But you shouldn’t lose hope medicine is moving forward all the time. Things that used to seem impossible can be sorted out easily these days.”
Sophie sighed quietly. She wanted to drop the subject but knew she couldn’t just say nothing. She looked over at me hoping I’d back her up, but I only shrugged a little as if to say she should explain it herself.
“In my case it won’t work,” she said quietly, staring ahead. To be honest she didn’t see why she had to share her personal details with a woman who was more or less a stranger! But she couldn’t stay quiet either or Margaret might get the wrong idea… “I have serious problems with my eyesight. I got the diagnosis when I was eighteen I’ve had time to accept that I won’t be able to have children.”
Margaret stopped for a second, clearly trying to take in what she had heard. Her eyebrows went up and her face showed real confusion like she had come across something she just couldn’t understand.
“What does eyesight have to do with it?” she asked, tilting her head a little. She really couldn’t see the connection between eyesight and children and even thought it might just be a weak excuse. “I don’t understand.”
Sophie took a deep breath as she chose her words. She didn’t want to go into all the medical details but she couldn’t avoid giving an answer.
“There’s a ninety percent chance that I’ll lose my sight,” she explained in a calm and controlled voice. “That sort of strain on my body is completely off limits for me it’s too much of a risk! It’s not worth it, can’t you see! What would be the point of having a child I might never even see?”
She stopped to give Margaret time to think about it. Sophie nervously fixed her glasses. It was important to her that Margaret got it this wasn’t just some whim or a wish to keep her figure. It was a genuine danger!
Sophie could tell that disappointment was building up in the room. Margaret stopped trying to make conversation and only gave Sophie occasional short looks that showed clear annoyance. It was obvious that this wasn’t the sort of woman she had pictured as a good match for her son. In her mind the mother probably saw a healthy and strong woman who would soon give her grandchildren.
But Sophie didn’t feel guilty or the need to defend herself. We had talked the situation over a long time ago and weighed up all the pros and cons. Discussions with doctors, long evenings going through information, open talks with each other all of that had led us to the same conclusion. The risk to her health was too big and neither of us wanted to put her in harm’s way. If it came to it we could think about adoption or using a surrogate mother. These days it’s not that hard to arrange.
When we finally got up to leave the atmosphere had lightened a little. Margaret gave me a hug on the way out and nodded to Sophie but there was no warmth in it it was just for appearance’s sake. As we were putting our shoes on in the hall Sophie caught my eye and I could see the silent apology in my look.
Once we were out on the street we both let out a sigh of relief. The evening air felt especially fresh after the tense conversation. Sophie took hold of my hand and I squeezed her fingers back. We didn’t say anything about what had happened but we both knew that meeting my parents hadn’t gone well. Still that didn’t change the main thing our decision to stay together no matter what other people expected or the prejudices they might have…
Three months later.
Sophie started to notice that she wasn’t feeling like herself. At first she didn’t think much of it she figured she was just worn out from work or had picked up a mild bug. But when the unwell feeling carried on for several days she began to get concerned.
She had this constant mild weakness, felt sick in the mornings and smells that she usually didn’t mind started to bother her. Sophie tried to deal with it herself she got some antiviral stuff from the pharmacy, drank plenty of water and tried to get to bed earlier. But nothing got better. She found herself getting distracted more at work and by the evening she was exhausted even though she hadn’t done anything particularly tiring.
One evening while she was on the phone with her mum Sophie ended up sharing what was bothering her. Her voice was a bit quiet she still felt this odd tiredness she couldn’t shake off.
“Sophie,” her mum asked carefully after a short pause, “are you sure you’re not pregnant?”
Sophie was a bit surprised by the question. She went quiet for a second to think about it and then answered confidently:
“Completely sure! I haven’t missed any of the pills. The doctor prescribed them after a full check-up and I take them exactly as instructed.”
Her mum didn’t argue but there was determination in her voice:
“Buy a test anyway just for your own peace of mind. This is too important a matter to ignore.”
Sophie wanted to say that it definitely wasn’t pregnancy but something in her mum’s tone made her pause. In the end a test is quick and easy and a bit of extra certainty wouldn’t hurt.
“Alright Mum. I’ll go to the pharmacy now. Robert is at work so I’ve got time,” Sophie said and hung up.
She quickly got her things together, put on her jacket and left the flat. The pharmacy in the next building was close by no more than five minutes walk. Sophie walked a bit quicker than usual as if she was trying to get ahead of her own thoughts. The same questions kept going round in her head: “What if Mum is right? But how could that happen? Everything was under control…”
In the pharmacy she stopped for a moment in front of the shelf with pregnancy tests. There was a surprisingly big selection different brands and types. Sophie looked at the pharmacist in confusion then back at the shelves. In the end she picked two tests in the middle price range she decided there was no point skimping on something like that. She paid, put the purchases in her pocket and hurried back home.
When she got back she stopped for a minute in the hall to calm the slight nervousness. Her hands shook a little as she took the tests out of the packet. She followed the instructions and then waited.
The first few minutes seemed to last forever. Sophie kept glancing at the clock and then at the tests. Then two lines showed up clearly and brightly. She looked at the second test it had clear lines too.
“How can this be?!” she said without meaning to, feeling confusion rising inside her. “This is impossible! I was so careful!”
Just then the doorbell rang loudly. Sophie jumped at the sound. She checked the time it wasn’t the sort of hour when someone would come for a reason. Then she realised it was probably Ben. The lad often forgot his keys when he was rushing home after school.
Sophie quickly threw the tests in the bin, sorted her hair and went to the door. When she opened it she saw Ben on the step looking a bit out of breath with his backpack on.
“Forgot your keys again?” she smiled letting him inside.
“Yeah,” Ben nodded looking guilty as he took off his trainers. “I was in a rush getting ready and then realised once I was outside…”
Sophie went straight to the kitchen to feed the clearly hungry teenager. She didn’t know at the time that one of the tests hadn’t reached the bin and was lying on the floor instead…
“Robert, I’m going to stay with my mum for a week she’s not well,” Sophie said avoiding my eyes. She hated lying to the person she loved but right then she just couldn’t tell me the full truth. And she couldn’t do anything else! She couldn’t risk her health, the decision was already made…
I stopped what I was doing on the laptop and looked at her carefully. My look showed real concern.
“Do you need any help?” I asked straight away. “Shall I get some medicine? Or maybe come with you? Your mum is on her own after all…”
Sophie smiled in spite of herself warmly and a bit guiltily. My eagerness to help was touching but at that moment it only made things more complicated.
“Nothing’s needed for now, thanks for offering,” she answered as calmly as she could. “If anything comes up I’ll call.”
She turned away and carried on packing her things into a small bag in a hurry. A jumper, a pair of jeans, a few T-shirts, underwear, a toothbrush… The minutes were ticking in her head there was less than an hour before the last train to the next town and she still had to get to the station. Her mum had said she would meet her there and that helped a bit: there would be someone who would understand and not ask lots of questions.
“Keep in touch will you? If anything happens call straight away. I can come over any time.”
“Of course,” Sophie nodded pressing against me for a second. “I’ll be back soon. You won’t even have time to miss me.”
The trip to the station went by in a blur. She kept checking her phone to see if I had messaged or if her mum was calling. Her thoughts were all over the place but she kept the plan clear in her mind: get there, sort things out, come back. And only after that when everything had settled would she talk to me. Honestly and openly without any half truths.
The next day Sophie went to a private clinic. She had booked the appointment online beforehand, picked a doctor based on reviews and tried to set it all up so no one would have any extra questions. The appointment was quick and straightforward: examination, tests, an ultrasound. The doctor was a middle-aged woman with a calm voice who looked carefully at the results, checked the dates and asked about the medical history again.
“Yes, you are pregnant,” she said at last. “It’s early days, about five or six weeks.”
Sophie nodded without a word. Deep down there was still a small hope that it was a mistake, that the tests were wrong or the results had got mixed up. But now it was all clear.
“But I was taking the pills! How could this happen?” her voice shook with both confusion and barely held back emotion. How had this happened? She had followed the instructions exactly!
The doctor tilted her head slightly. She didn’t rush to reply first she neatly put the papers on the desk then looked up at Sophie.
“The medication might have been faulty,” she suggested in a professional tone. “Or there could have been factors that made it less effective like taking antibiotics or other drugs at the same time, missing doses or digestive issues. It does happen though it’s rare.”
She paused for a moment watching how Sophie reacted then went on gently:
“From what I understand you don’t plan to continue with the pregnancy?”
Sophie closed her eyes for a second. She had asked herself that question so many times over the last few days. The doctors’ warnings from years ago came back to her about the risk that was still there. She took a deep breath and answered trying to sound firm:
“The risk of losing my sight is nine to one. Do you think I can take that step?”
The doctor nodded with an understanding look. She had already looked at Sophie’s notes and knew the risk was real. In this situation Sophie’s choice was the right one.
“I understand,” she said softly. “This is a very serious decision and you have every right to make it based on your health. I’ll write out some referrals for tests now. They’ll help us get a better picture and work out the best way forward.”
She turned to the computer typed something in quickly then printed out a few forms. She folded them neatly and handed them to Sophie.
“Come back tomorrow for a follow-up. By then we’ll have the results and we can talk about what to do next. If you have any questions or anything worries you call the clinic and they’ll put you through to me.”
Sophie took the papers and smoothed them out with her fingers without thinking. Her thoughts were still racing but they were a bit more ordered now. She thanked the doctor with a quick nod and slowly got up from the chair. In the corridor she stopped for a second leaning against the wall and took a deep breath in and out. Tomorrow would be a new day and a new stage in this tough situation…
“Sophie!” I said happily down the phone and my voice was so lively that Sophie tensed up without meaning to. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sophie felt everything tighten inside her. She gripped the phone tightly trying to stop the sudden shaking.
“Tell you what?” she asked warily trying to keep her voice steady. The thought went through her head: “Has he found out? But how?”
“That you’re pregnant!” I said with real joy in my voice. There was so much enthusiasm it was like I was already picturing our future together.
Sophie closed her eyes for a second to get her thoughts together.
“What makes you say that?” she answered trying to stay calm even though her heart was racing.
“I found a test with two lines on the floor,” I explained and there was no doubt or worry in my tone just pure excitement. “I’ve already made you an appointment with a top specialist. Shall we go together? I want to be there to support you.”
Sophie took a deep breath choosing her words carefully. She needed to calm me down without hurting my feelings.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” she said gently but firmly. “It’s probably a mistake. You know I’m taking the pills. Everything was done exactly as instructed with no misses. This can’t be real.”
There was a pause on the line for a moment. Sophie could almost feel me trying to work out what she was saying.
“Well about that…” I hesitated at last and there were embarrassed notes in my voice. “You see my mum came round recently. She saw your pills and started telling me that your diagnosis isn’t as bad as all that. She said lots of people have kids even with much worse conditions and it all turns out fine. She gave examples of people she knew and talked about modern ways of handling pregnancy… She was so insistent that… well I went along with it.”
I went quiet as if waiting for a response. Sophie listened without saying anything feeling a mix of emotions. On one hand she knew I just wanted to believe things could work out. On the other it annoyed her that someone was getting involved in our private life and trying to decide things for her.
“Are you saying she convinced you to put something in my pills?” she asked in an even voice though she was boiling inside.
“No of course not!” I said quickly. “Nothing like that. It’s just… she convinced me not to stick so strictly to the instructions. That it would be okay to take a chance. I didn’t think it would lead to this. I’m sorry.”
Sophie felt a cold shiver go down her back. The words stuck in her throat and she managed to get out the question:
“What exactly did you do?”
I looked down nervously gripping the edge of the table. I felt awkward but I pulled myself together and spoke:
“I… accidentally dropped your bottle and the pills went everywhere. Then I thought maybe this is a sign? So I swapped them for vitamins. I wanted us to have a child. Mum convinced me it would all be fine…”
Sophie stood still trying to take in what she had heard. She couldn’t believe that the person she loved could do something like that. She had explained so many times how important it was to take the pills every day and what even one missed dose could mean…
“Are you serious?!” her voice shook. She clenched her fists without thinking feeling anger rising inside her. “You did this on purpose? You listened to your mum and swapped the pills?”
I shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other as if looking for a way out.
“I thought it would be better for our family…” I answered quietly not looking up.
“For our family?!” Sophie couldn’t hold back her feelings anymore. Her voice shook with anger but she tried to speak clearly so I would get how serious this was. “You didn’t even talk to me about it! You knew about my diagnosis and the risks and you still went ahead and did this behind my back!”
She paused trying to stop her hands from shaking. Her head was pounding and her thoughts were a mess but one thing was clear: she couldn’t carry on with this conversation right now.
“I just wanted children…” I tried to explain my voice sounding almost pitiful. “I thought we could deal with it all together.”
Sophie took a deep breath trying to get a grip on herself. She needed time to think things through and sort out her thoughts.
“I don’t have time to talk about this now,” she said more calmly though she was still full of emotion. “Can you come the day after tomorrow? We can meet at the park at noon?”
“Of course I’ll come!” I said at once and there was hope in my voice again. “I’m sure everything will be okay!”
Sophie didn’t argue or try to explain. She just needed to end the call.
“See you then,” she said shortly and hung up.
Sophie was furious! The words about how I had “accidentally” dropped the bottle and then deliberately swapped the important pills for vitamins kept going round in her head. I knew all about the risks and the years of warnings from the doctors about how critical it was not to miss the pills. But I had chosen to believe my mother who had no medical training but was sure that “everything would be fine.”
This thought burned inside her. How could someone take her health and her life so lightly? Sophie knew that with this kind of attitude to basic things like trust respect and care we had no future. And she was determined to tell me that the day after tomorrow.
On the day we had arranged I got to the park half an hour early. I had bought a bunch of white roses her favourites and now I was nervously shifting about at the entrance looking at the time every now and then. I had a bit of hope that maybe Sophie had just been worried and now we could talk it all through and I could explain that I had wanted the best. I pictured her taking the flowers and her look softening as we worked out together what to do next.
But when Sophie turned up right on time at noon she was arm in arm with her brother Mark and her face was cold and closed off. She didn’t even glance at the flowers I quickly held out to her. Instead she silently pulled a sheet of paper from her bag and gave it to me.
“What’s this? I don’t get it,” I said confused and shocked by her icy tone. I tried to meet her eyes but Sophie was looking away.
“This means there won’t be a child,” she said coldly. “You knew about my diagnosis. You knew and you put my health at risk on purpose by listening to your mother. I’ll never forgive this! I’ll come for my things tomorrow. And I won’t be on my own I’ll bring my brother to make sure there are no problems.”
Without waiting for an answer she turned and walked off. I stepped after her without thinking and called out:
“Sophie wait! Let’s talk!”
She didn’t look back she just walked faster. Then I ran after her but her brother Mark suddenly got in my way. Mark stood tall with his feet planted firmly and looked at me with no sympathy at all. His stance made it clear: “Don’t you dare go after her.”
I tried to get round him but Mark kept me at a distance with his hand held out a bit.
“You’re lying!” I shouted and my voice shook with anger and desperation. I could feel all my hopes falling apart and the future I thought I had slipping away. “I went to see doctors specially! They said with today’s medicine the risks are tiny! You just don’t want a child that’s why you’re coming up with excuses!”
Sophie turned round slowly. Her face was pale but she looked calm almost distant. There were no tears in her eyes just a firm resolve she had built up over those days.
“You went to doctors without me? Talked about my health with people I don’t know?” she said quietly but every word hit hard. “Do you even know my exact diagnosis? Or did you just go and say my fiancée might go blind?”
I flinched. I hadn’t expected that question I had been sure my actions made sense and that Sophie would understand why I did it. I clenched my fists and tried to get my thoughts straight.
“I was thinking about our future! About having a family!” my voice was tense but I meant it. “You said yourself you were ready to think about adoption or a surrogate. So why not give our own child a chance?”
Sophie breathed in deeply. There was a flash of pain in her eyes the same pain she was trying to hide behind her cold determination.
“Because this isn’t a game Robert!” her voice showed real feeling for the first time. “This is my life my body my sight. Do you understand that I could go blind? That I’d be helpless and not able to work or look after myself? Did you think about what it would be like to live in the dark all the time?”
She paused to let me take it in but I had already started to reply.
“But the doctors said…”
“Which doctors?!” she cut in sharply and there was bitterness in her voice. “The ones you went to without telling me? Did you even ask them about the complication rates? About actual cases? Do you know how many women lose their sight during pregnancy with my condition? No you just heard what you wanted to hear!”
I went quiet. My eyes were still full of hurt but something else was starting to show a vague sense that I might have made a big mistake.
“You betrayed my trust,” Sophie went on more quietly but just as firmly. “You knew how important those pills are to me. You knew I’d spent years learning to live with this diagnosis and accept it… And you wiped it all out with one action.”
At that point Mark moved closer. He was itching to give me a lesson but he held back because Sophie had asked him to.
“I don’t want anything more to do with you!” Sophie stood tall and her voice was cold and steady again. “I don’t want to worry every day that you’ll try another trick!”
I opened my mouth to say something but the words wouldn’t come out. I looked at her trying to find even a bit of doubt in her eyes or a chance to put things right! But there was only cold and contempt…
Sophie turned and walked away. I wanted to call after her but I couldn’t. I stood watching her figure fade into the evening shadows. Mark was walking beside her quiet and sure as if he was protecting her peace.
When they were out of sight I sat down on the nearest bench. I was still holding the bunch of white roses that had never been given or accepted…
I looked at the soft petals and realised for the first time that I had lost not just the child I had wanted so much. I had lost the woman I loved.
One thought kept going round in my head: “What if she is right?” But it was too late.
